Whatcha doing here?!
...was the response Latoya our bartender gave me when I showed up this morning. ^^; I haven't worked a Sat. in so long. I walked into the passout, following her, and spotted Ron and Falley (who is a kid about my age, and much bigger than Ron, if that is at all possible).
"Girl, you ain't supposed to be here!" Latoya hollered.
I looked mock hurt. "Fine, all right. I see how it is." I turn to walk out again. "Nobody wants me here, so I'm just going home."
Ron and Falley instantly chimed in with, "Latoya, shut up! Ginny, we want you, we love you, stay stay stay!"
Heh. Good feeling.

It was weird--today's shift reminded me of what ToGo used to be like when I first started 3 years ago. Slow. Gah. I can't believe it's been nearly 3 years now. I didn't make much money at all, but I think I made a few new regulars, so that's ok.

Ron seems to be doing better--he didn't looked flushed today. He kept phasing out though, which is really weird. I walked past him this morning, said hi, and he didn't respond. Then he spots me, says "Good morning!" really loudly on purpose.
"I said hi already to you," I shot back.
"You did?" Blink blink?
"Yeah," I said.
"Phased out again, I guess. Did that last night when my wife and I were visiting friends." He shook his head.
"It's not you, but you're getting better," I told him.

I got to meet his mom, his wife, and his two kids today--well, actually, I didn't meet Tiffany--she walked in, grabbed her daddy's car keys and walked out again. >.> Which sparked the discussion about why Ron wouldn't buy Tiffany a sports car (Latoya's words). Latoya swore up and down she'd buy her baby one when she got to be of age ('Toya's due in June, so....). Ron said if he had the money, but he didn't, so there! Such logic. <.< I say Tiffany should get a job like the rest of us and buy her own car--it's what I'm doing. *loves her Saturn*

Buy Saturn. They are a good company.

That reminds me of the time Latoya called in the middle of a busy shift to ask me to spell Desoto for her. Weirdest--or ONE of the weirdest phone calls I've ever gotten.

The hostess Bailey picked up my shift Weds.! YAY! I can go to Trainers' Olympics on Weds.! YAAAAAY! *grin* In return, I doodled some stuff for her. Josh the manager walked past, saw the critters I was doodling, and the rose I had drawn.
"I want a flooooower," he whined.
I rolled my eyes at Bailey. "What is with you guys?!" I asked Josh.
"Huh?"
"You managers, supposed to have gone through military stuff, and here you are whining that you don't get flowers, I swear!"
"Why, who else does that?"
I pointed to Rondo. "Sorry, Josh," I told him, "like I said last night, you are unique in your own way, but as far as managers go, not unique enough."
(BTW, I made Josh a batch of sketchy daffodils to cheer him up. ^^)

And oh yes--Ron's back. *very happy grin* 'Nough said.

Perfection Obsession


What's Your Obsession?
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Um...'k.

Something from James
1. Who sent this e-mail to you? My first manager-friend James

2. What time is it? 8:03 a.m.

3. Name as it appears on your birth certificate? Virginia Lyn Knapp

4. Nickname(s)? Virgin, GinGin, Gin, GinLyn, G, Virgil, GinnyPig, Hey you!, darlin', goober

5. Parents names? (I assume we mean biological?) Stephen C. Knapp and Kaye Crabtree

6. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? candles? O_o;

7. Date that you regularly blow them out? I was supposed to have candles?!

8. Pets? Fred my copper dacshund

9. Hair color? Auburn

10. Tattoos? Nope. (Unless you wanna talk soul tattoos.)

11. Piercing? You mean like for earrings and stuff? Nope.

12. Favorite color(s)? Just about all of them

13. Hometown? (birthtown, right?) Houston, Texas

14. Current Residence? Rockwall, Texas

15. Favorite food? anything that tastes good.

16. Been out of the country? no

17. Been toilet papering? I've been toilet papered, yes.

18. Loved somebody so much it made you cry? That's a no-brainer.

19. Been in a car accident? I was told when I was three, I had.

20. Croutons or bacon bits? Croutons!

21. Current car you drive? 2000 Silver Saturn that I am paying for.

22. Favorite Movie(s)? (a sample of what I like) The Lion King, The Never-Ending Story, The Land before Time, Ten Things I Hate about You, The Prince of Egypt, The Sound of Music, Toy Story, etc.etc.etc.

23. Favorite holiday? I don't really do holidays that much, but Easter means a lot to me.

24. Favorite day of the Week? Sunday - especially when I don't have to work!

25. Favorite word or phrase? BWEEEEEEE!

26. Favorite toothpaste? Whatever is in the drawer

27. Favorite restaurant? don't eat out much

28. Favorite Flowers? pretty ones

29. Favorite drink? at the moment, Fresca

30. Favorite sport? to play or to watch? I like to play soccer in my rare moments of wanting to play a sport, and football is always good to watch if you want a laugh.

31. Preferred type of ice cream? Either that one that has peppermint bits in it or butter pecan. Mmmmmm!

32. Favorite Sesame Street character? Kermit the Frog. He was one of my first stuffed animals.

33. Last book you read? Martin the Warrior (just started for the 5th time again last night)

34. Favorite fast food Restaurant? I despise fast food places.

35. When was your last hospital visit? To go see Mom after her...yeah, you know--in February.

36. What color is your bedroom carpet? really pale tan?

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Came really really close once--got a 72. ^_^;

38. Who is the last person you got e-mail from before this one? Christina (D_M) from England

39. Which single store would you choose to max out your credit card? Oooo, how about Electronics Boutique? *grin*

40. What do you do most often when you're bored? read, surf the Net, or play games

41. Name the friend that lives farthest from you? Sage in Finland.

42. Most annoying thing people ask you? (at work) "Do you do to go orders"? ¬_¬
(at home) "Hey, Ginny, wanna see something?"
(online) "Can you draw me something?"

43. Where are you working, now? Chili's Garland (great food to go, this is...oops, hee hee hee.)

46. Favorite all-time TV show? at the moment, I like J.A.G., two second favorites are Touched by an Angel and Boston Public

47. Last person(s) you were out to dinner with? my mom for her birthday

48. What's in your CD player right now? one of two things--WOW2003 or fanmade techno remixes

*huggles Meh*
I'm thinking about you. Praying for you.
Be Meh, Meh.

Mu haw haw haw...you are surprised? ^_^

Today
was my double shift. Morning was busy, but the evening dragged terribly.

NEVER tease Perfection
"Perfection" is Shannon's nickname for me. Joy. >.>
Anyways, we have this new menu items test we have to take by Sunday. It's been quite a while since our last one (think different managers-long while), so I wasn't quite sure how the guys wanted us to take the test. I asked Shannon and Greg if we had to do the test verbatim (meaning word for word). They teased me, saying no. The next day, the message board (done in Greg's handwriting) had a reminder for everyone to take a test...and "everyone except Ginny does not have to do it verbatim (that's word for word for you non-Harvard or Ginny-esque type people)."
I laughed at seeing that. But promised myself I would call Greg's bluff.
Last night, I was at 97% verbatim, but it wasn't enough for me. It had to be 100% to be a complete victory. I asked God that, even though this was very trivial, if He wanted to share a good innocent laugh, could He kindly bump me up to 100% when showtime came?
God came through. Greg's bluff was called, Shannon had a good laugh, and they promised to tell the managers about all this.
"You know," Shannon grinned when he heard the news, "if anyone was gonna pull it off, why am I not surprised it would be her?"

Ron update
He visited again today (and dang it, if it were in my power, I'd have him moved right back over here again), hanging out in the bar. I was wandering around during my day shift when I spotted him and he waved me over.
"Hey, how are you doing?" I asked as I sorta slid onto the barstool next to him (you aren't supposed to sit during your shift).
"I'm doing. Afraid to sleep, though."
I stared at him. That was something I would say. Not Ron. Not big, strong, piss-me-off-and-I'll-slap-your-head-off-before-you-know-it Ron.
"Afraid to sleep?" I stared some more. "Why?"
He looked at me. "Had a bad night Tuesday."
"What happened?" (I was getting a little annoyed with the leading questions. I wish he'd just get to the point.)
"I woke up in the middle of the night and I couldn't breathe." Ron mimicked the face he had made at the time, and it scared me. My heart froze for a split second.
Ouch--point made.
"Look like the venom's working so far," he muttered grimly.
"But you're still here," I said a little louder than necessary. You aren't supposed to talk like that--you're Ron for crying out loud!
"That's right," Josh (our newest manager) said. "And don't forget the steroids are supposed to help with your breathing, too."
I studied Ron for a moment. Still flushed looking. Worn, too, from lack of sleep. Very human looking.
Something wasn't right about Ron saying he was afraid to sleep. As if it was a statement of him giving up somehow. And Ron's not allowed to do that. Pillars of strength didn't get to where they are by having cracks running in them.
Ron can't be afraid. That's just not right. It's not allowed.
Be ok...please, please be ok.

Tomboy


What's your sexual appeal?
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*giggle* I like that one. *giggle*
O_o; Well, let's just stick to attracting guys, please.
When I was young, I knew I was a tomboy.

YOU ARE ... MYSTERIOUS HERO! (Squall Leonhart from
FFVIII [ff8])


What Kind of Anime Character Are You?
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Bah, I hate Squall.

Chat Quote
MoonBeam XVI: next person to speak marries KEVIN!
Sir Zeh: that would piss me off...
Afnanno: lol
draKehho: LOL!

Work Related Prayer Requests
There's been a lot going on, first and foremost, one of our pregnant servers, Amanda.
She's six months pregnant, and early this morning, she discovered her cervix was torn--scared her really badly. The hospital did release her midafternoon today, so the baby seems fine, but just pray, please?
Another server's two year old grandson is in the hospital really sick.
I don't know what was bothering Kelly this morning, but a prayer for her, too.
Ron, natch.

Calling it Quits
Yeah, I did call it quits with Shaun and Blanko last night. It hurts.
I'll be frank, though: I didn't appreciate being accused of stuff I didn't do and not getting a chance to explain myself.
I didn't appreciate the uncomfortable comments.
I didn't appreciate being mean back.
I cared. I guess I still do, since it hurts.
But I'm tired of fighting a battle that won't come to a conclusion. I don't care who wins--I just wanted it to be over. And it wasn't.
I thought maybe if I cut one of them out, I could be friends to the other. But that wouldn't be fair to either one of them. They got along just fine before I got into their lives, so I'm sure they can still make it. Together, seperately, whichever.
I did learn some things from them, and I hope that they learned something from me.

To Shaun I say, keep strong in your faith, but remember that you can't always play the knight in shining armor. You are human, too.

To Blanko I...well, there's a lot I could say, but I've been saying it for a long time. And it hurts that it never stuck with you those times, and it probably won't stick this time. But considering you don't even have the updated link to this blog, I'm babbling on needlessly. Just remember--you can't depend on others to give you attention--you have to make your own attention (preferably without knives, and preferrably without us worrying about what we are going to say, because it might send you to cut yourself. *miserable sigh*).

I wish I had been more mature, showed my real nature vs. what you had to put up with. I had a lot of fun, and I am glad for the times that we had. I was glad I could open up, even for a little while, and know that I was valuable to someone. But now, I'm working to be independent, to learn to make my own happiness. I just feel that I hurt myself more and more whenever I try to talk to either of you these days. Maybe sometime in the future we can be friends again, but for now, we depart as people who know each other.

You were only proof that online people can have just as strong an impact as IRL people. Thank you.

Nightmare
Today just keeps getting better and better, huh? >.<
I was back at work again. Putting my hand on Ron's swelling again. He grinned nastily, didn't look like him.
"That's my little girl," this voice came out of him. I knew that voice. It was my uncle. "You know I'm only doing this for your good. Boys want nothing but to get into you."
I felt naseous. That was exactly what he said each time before he...hurt me.
"You're not Ron!" I screamed. Looked around in a panic. No one else was there. Why had I come to work if no one else was here?
"Sure I am," my uncle's voice said. He threw me on the floor, pressed against me, and, trapped beneath him, I looked at him. The face was muddled: Ron, my uncle, and someone else, a guy I knew very well, but I couldn't recognize. It was like looking at glass images under water--they blurred and "shimmered", turning from one to the next.
The rest of the nightmare made me sick to my stomach, so I leave out all but this: you know that sense you get when your brain is playing that narrator voice that only you can hear--it tells you stuff, and you recognize it in the dream as what your brain says? (Yeah, if that made sense. ^^;) My brain kept saying the guy was Ron, and I kept screaming back at it that the guy wasn't, it couldn't be, because Ron would never do this to me.
"It is me," the Ron face leered. But it was someone else's voice--that third guy I knew but didn't recognize. I screamed again, begged someone to help me--people showed up. And walked past. Acted as if nothing was going on. And the guy laughed at me. Gut wrenching laugh. A laugh that said he knew that I was helpless, I couldn't do anything, and...
...all those feelings that popped up when I was eight.
I remember I woke up sobbing this morning. Ashamed of the nightmare. Glad (the only time) that Ron was not at work.

My uncle is dead. It's been a year now. The past is over with. That was over 1o years ago. I've come to terms with all of it. And while I hope I didn't scar anyone emotionally with this, I had to get it out. Else I was gonna explode emotionally.

You Have the Power to Turn Things to Stone!


What's Your Magic Power?
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Um, yay? *looks at you* Mwa ha ha...


Blue Eyes


What Color Eyes Should You Have?
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From blondes to blue eyers...surprise, surprise. *rolls eyes* I am NOT stupid, and you will hurt for that! *stares at quiz maker*

Good news
Chili's, more importantly, my managers, has/have decided to make me the ToGo trainer for our store. I ist HAPPY! *grins*

Guess who
Guess who I saw today?
I remember putting my stuff away, bending beneath the counter; and then I heard the door open.
"Hey, darlin'," a familiar voice said. I banged my head on the counter in my excitement.
"Ron? RON!" I nearly screamed, leaping over the counter. "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, RON!!!!"
"Geez, easy there, girl," he grinned, trying to be fierce. I knew he was pleased, though. And also...
"...limping? Ron, what's wrong?"
"Let's just say that that transfer was not the smartest thing in the world."
"Well, DUH!" I got real quiet. "I mean, ah, really?"
"Stuff it," he grinned again. Winced. Sat down slowly.
Looked so very, very human...
"Ron, what's wrong?" I was scared. His face looked flushed. He was limping painfully. He didn't look his normal self. Rather...almost weak?
"C'mere." He waved me over.
"What?"
"Come here."
I did, meekly. There was still some manager fear kicking in, or maybe...Ron-fear?
He put his hand over mine, then guided it to his knee, the one that was making him limp. "Feel that?"
My eyes bugged, but not as big as his swelling. It was huge.
"Are you ok? What happened?!"
"Dunno."
I glared at him, concern in my eyes. "Whaddaya mean, 'Dunno'?!"
"Well, the doctors--"
"DOCTORS?!"
"Gin, would ya hush up for just a sec so I can talk?!"
"Sorry."
"They say it mighta been a bug or a spider hidden in storage at my store. Feel how that's all hot?"
I nodded, though I was noticing the enormous size of the swelling more than the temperature of it.
"They say that's the muscle working. And I've gotta be off my leg, so the venom won't spread."
Venom? This was sounding worse and worse.
"They've given you something for it, right?"
"Yeah, antibotics, steroids--hey, when I get better, I can go to the Strong Man Competition and compete." Grin. (The Strong Man Competition is broadcast nearly all the time on one of our bar TVs.)
"How soon are you going to get better?"
"Gah, what's with all the questions? You act like you care about me or something."
I guess I looked really upset at that comment, because he instantly murmured an apology. "Sorry, darlin'. Well, ah...as far as they say...well, they won't know anything for a week, or until the stuff starts kicking in." He starts getting jovial again. "By that time, my leg could drop off or..."
"Or...?" Ron's staring off into space at this point. "Or?!"
He grins again. "That won't happen."
I nod emphatically. "That's right. You're big, you're strong, you're tough. You'll be fine! At least..." I glare at him again. "...you'd better be you big..."
One last grin from him. I got that sense again, the one that made me realize just how tired and...frail...he looked. I just wanted to turn him into Rondo and hug him...heck, I just wanted to hug him, period, to get rid of the venom, to make him all better.
Instead, I just watched as he limped toward the back office to go talk to Shannon. He looked so very human.

Be ok, you great big goober.

Are you Addicted to the Internet? 52% Average@Internet-User.com (41% - 60%) You seem to have a healthy balance in your life when it comes to the internet and life away from the computer. You know enough to do what you want online without looking like an idiot (most of the time). You even have your own Yahoo club or online journal! But you enjoy seeing your friends and going out to enjoy life away from your computer. The Are you Addicted to the Internet? Quiz at Stvlive.com!

discover your inner candy heart @ stvlive.com


find your inner PIE @ stvlive.com


discover what candy you are @ stvlive.com

Another Quiz moving from "everyone loves you" to "you are real"--I like that!


The Completely Pointless Personality Quiz

BLUE You give your love and friendship unconditionaly. You enjoy long, thoughful conversations rich in philosophy and spirituality. You are very loyal and intuitive. Find out your color at Stvlive.com!

Now that one I like.

Edit.

403 Forbidden - The server understood the request,
but is refusing to fulfill it.



You have rules for yourself and no one is going to
make you think otherwise. This is good, but
you way want to relax your hold on control once
and a while because while your standards make
it easier for you, they make it harder for
everyone else.


What's your HTTP Status Code?
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Well pffft. You know, this is the first time I haven't recieved the "you love everyone and make them happy before you first" answer. I dunno if I am proud or concerned...

Managers can goof up, too
There was this big ol' mess today with the fax machine and some regulars today.
One lady, a new customer, called, asked us to fax a menu over. I said ok, went to prep the machine after I got off the phone with her, then waited. Her machine was busy, so I let our fax machine redial until it got through; I then went to the back of the store to stock up for the day.
Meanwhile, Shannon answered the phone when it rang again; it was my regulars from Morgan, Co., asking if we had received their fax order yet. He peered at the machine, saw a paper on the floor, and told her yes.
I walk back to the fax machine, Shannon following. "Hey, Ginny, did you--oh crap."
"What?"
He told me what just happened, then pointed to the paper on the floor. "I thought that was her order, but it was one of our menus. Oh no, I just screwed you over major time."
I was strangle calm about it. He was strangely, uncharacteristically stressed about it. With good reason--they were regulars, it was a big order, and by the time we got the fax, we only had 13 minute to make all of it.
The funniest part about all of this is, just moments before Shannon got that first phone call, he had handed me an evaluation sheet for him--I was to evaluate him. Oopsies, hee hee hee.

But really, when it comes right down to it, I couldn't gloat over Shannon's screw up. I actually felt sorry for him. Odd. >.>

Today...
Ron's mom called today, to wish him a happy anniversary. I just about bawled, but kept a remarkably steady voice. She seemed like a nice lady.
*whimpers, hugs Rondo plush, feeling very small* I think I have a new inspiration for a pic, anyway. This one's gonna take some special effects...Oo;

a toddler represents your alter-ego! although you
may not be completely innocent, you're very
childlike in spirit- you keep the good times
alive with your optimism and affection.


what creature respresents your alter-ego?
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How is a toddler a mythical being? Oo;

Yeah, anyways...

Do I really need to put the disclaimer up again?
What do you do when there are people you just can't have in your life anymore? You know they need help from a friend, you're not sure if you are that friend, but you know it's a make or break time. One more negative thought and you toss 'em out the window.
I've been accused of having a bad temper, of which, yes, I'm guilty to, I've admitted to.
I've been accused of being far too cheerful and boisterious, and told to lay off the sugar (bawh ha ha).
I've been accused (falsely, I might add), of ditching my friends...and sadly, I'm now at the point of using that term loosely.

I know as a Christian, I should be loving in all situations. I know as a non-perfect human being, and as Ginny PrideCreature, that just can't happen. I keep blocking my Lord from letting me. Or am I?

I am tired of running around in the same circles day in and day out, but when you see certain people over and over again, what can you do? Nod and smile and move on is my option for the moment, but I need to speak up. To tell them to please whine to someone else about their schedule screwups, to be dramatic to someone else about how so-and-so made a difference in their lives, and so on and so forth.

Is it me? Pweh, who knows? I'm having this prob at work, online, and at home. I'm ready to move out, get a new job, and find some way to make a brand spanking new online identity.

But it goes back to the same question again--have I been put into this spot on purpose? Why me? God, seriously, if I have to listen to her/him one more time--! And it all winds back down to being a less than perfect human.

Offended by this post? Then contact me to talk or hush up. I don't need anyone stuffing this into the darker corners of their bad memories chest when this post most likely isn't meant to be about you.

Remember: Assume is three words and for crying out loud, stop the daily dramatics already. You're only making a fool of yourself.

*taps own brain* Gotta remember that.

Your heart is still black...
Today. There is so much to say about today. And yesterday. And the day before. About the people that were around me, actually around me.
There's something about being able to laugh together, to glare at someone, to read their body language back, to believe--even for a brief instant--that you are accepted into a cliche. My work cliche.
When Robin, an older lady co-worker I've known for nearly 3 years, though I've known her before I worked for Chili's, which would make it 5 years--anyways, when Robin saw I was leaving for the night (she was playing customer in the cocktail area while I was running around being a server type person), she said, "Good night, Gin. Love you."
I remember freezing. My brain in etiquette mode told me to reply, so I did. Nothing nearly as grand as what she had just said.
My brain in feeling mode was still frozen, though. Love. Heh.

I always told IRL people that online people were special, too. That online people could be trusted--well, a few of them. Not the majority of them, but some of them. This is a child reaching to be right for once in all the times that she has been wrong. And surprise! the world was right once more.
There is a high wall of bitter thorns around my heart, to be honest. I may have moved on from being bombarded that one week both on the IRL side and the online side, but scars don't move on. You hide scars with long socks, oversized sweatshirts, anything to keep others from gasping, pointing, accidentally reopening the scars with unwanted (or much needed) sympathy.
Don't get me wrong--there are still people on both sides of life that I'm letting past the wall, but it's a select few. And for those who aren't welcomed in, they decided to take the thorny route. They get pricked and scratched, and whether I feel remorse or not...remains to be seen. Actually, it's not a matter of remorse--it's a matter of Ginny finally laying some boundaries down. A matter of Ginny being tired of the dramatics and she sure as Hades ain't gonna take it anymore.

Sometimes I wonder and worry, look back at the old me, the sweet, quiet, do-everything and smile sweetly, quietly me. Was I better like that? Am I better like this? Which is truer to myself?

Therein lies one of my greater discoveries--I'm starting to live, first according to God, and second, according to myself. I'm finally getting past what everyone thinks of me, or what I assume to be what everyone thinks of me. It took some harsh lessons to finally learn them, but I am glad for the end result. Carrying a bit of Ron with me, I guess. The temper thing will hopefully melt away, but I want to keep that ability to speak my mind the first time off and avoid the prolonged heartache later on. To keep putting up boundaries that should have been there in the first place.

And if Ron learned to love and be loved despite all that, I'm sure I can do the same. It's just a matter of who to trust, who to love, and who to believe. Of not living the way others want me to, but to finally live and be accepted. That has been one of the primary goals of my life, to be accepted without compromising myself. Hasn't been an easy road, but I'm farther along now than I was.

Is my heart still black? It's an unknown. My heart has been hard lately, but there's still some tempering to be done. Some softening. Some covering up. I'm not a human being, I'm a human becoming. Redundant, but true. Perfection isn't attainable in this life, and the strain for achieving it is unreachable, but I can still revel in the fact that I can try, that I can be accepted in my own mind, and in my own version of the world.

Beat on, heart. I love you, Ginny.