Weather Watch
Dang, big, fat, nasty tornado headed our way. Aren't we lucky? ^^;;;;
So I might not be on tonight. Ooooo.

You know, I wanted to talk to you tonight, Shaun, but Flora said you weren't talking. And I know I was an absolute ass again last night, but there are some things I've been hearing today I wanted to share with you first. Unfortunately, I can't seem to at the moment so it's squirting out into my Blog.

FIGHT! (paraphrased or dramatised in some areas, but still the basic event)
'I don't remember what started it, or how Ron got involved, the stupid butthead. *hugs her Rondomon plushie* But God always plants him there when I need him. YAY!
Ron was talking about his daughter again (he loves her so much, ^_^), and we were all listening to how Ron was living up to his role of being Daddy. I muttered something about how love sucks, and stomped off. I don't think Ron noticed--was I trying to get him to notice? Who knows?
He comes up to me a while later. "So, when is your guy coming down for the summer?" he asked pointedly. (Fine, ok, so he was listening.) "Was he that guy in your picture?"
I focused real hard on the order I was putting in, grumbled a yeah, and stabbed a few more buttons. Luckily, someone called Ron away to do something managerly, so I didn't have to put up with him.
I started to count out for the day, and Ron walks past me. "I'll be in the office," he calls, and walks off.

I turn in my money drawer, he takes it, then points to the chair across from him. "Talk to me," he says in this 'gah, what's her problem now?' kind of voice, "what's going on, darlin'?"
My face scrunches up, like I'm going to cry. And if there's anything I hate worse than crying, it's bawling in front of Ron.
"Is it about this guy?" he asks, real gentle like. And I swear, I'm just about to sob my heart out. "I can beat him up real good if you want, you know," he adds jokingly, to lighten the mood. I know he was feeling bad about me getting all teary.
I forget how we get to the point that I know the guy online, and Ron had a spazfit, similar to what Mom and my uncle each had when they learned about my online friends. Namely, how online people are untrustworthy and sexual predators, and blah blah blah.
I know I told Ron that I didn't want to hear this and got up to leave, but he grabbed my wrist.
"You obviously like him a lot to be this upset. So what happened?"
Everything about last night poured out, and I stayed remarkable free of tears (though with a dangerously quavery voice). Ron cut me off long before I was finished (and me being a drama queen made me mad about that).
"Girl, why are you doing this to yourself? I've never seen you beat yourself up so hard about something. Face it," he laughed, "you do take stuff personally, but," and he grew serious again, "this...this, you know..." He kinda waved his hand in a "you know" sort of way.
"But it's all my fault and--"
"Oh bull(crap)!" he suddenly yelled at me. (I think I remember the sound of feet running away at this point. I think Ron scared a server off with that.) "You quit that right now before I slap some sense into you!"
I stared, half afraid he would.
"Know what I learned? Nothing is ever 100% one person's fault. I don't know everything that's going on, and I don't claim to be some sort of phsycologist, but you musta had some reason to feel like this. What'd that boy do to you, huh?" He got this angry look in his eyes, and I was very glad the person in question was far far away.
"Ron, don't! I...I love him!" Tears time.
"Bull(crap)!" he hollered again. "I know love, and it isn't this, what you're being right now."
Sniffle.
"Baby, look, this isn't all your fault, and it isn't all his fault, but what I'm seeing here is you trying to get his attention. Why are you doing that? If you two love each other, then you don't need to do that."
I stared at him.
"Why are you doing it?" he asked simply.
"I don't--"
"Ginny, stop it," he snapped. "You know damn well why you are. Now tell me."
I stared at my hands, watched them become blurry in my line of vision, my eyes getting all hot again. "Because I don't..." I couldn't get it out--I felt like I was betraying someone. "...I don't feel special."
"To him?"
"...to anyone."
He gave this defeated sigh, like he didn't want to deal with this or something. A server poked their head in at this point.
"Ron--?"
"I'm BUSY. Tell everyone that."
The server scurried off. I don't know who it was, but she probably saw me all weepy willowy. -_-;

"God, Gin, you know I care about you. You KNOW lots of people do. Why are you...well, duh, 'cause you want to feel special just to this one guy. This is the one you really really--"
I nodded.
"Pfft, considering you only met on the Internet, I don't see how." He got up and pulled me up, too. "Here, c'mere, Daddy hug."
I felt really small at that point (not considering that Ron's a lot bigger than me weight and height wise, anyway). But I just let myself be hugged.
"Now," he said, holding me at arm's length, "you need to fix this. And guys are idiots, ok? I should know. Tell him you don't feel special. All this opening up crap and being close and that fit last night--that is no way to go about it, so stop that. There's no time limit on being close. Tell him you don't feel special and if he doesn't fix that, you're out."
I sniffled, remembering Shaun's blog. "I think it's too late for that."
"You know what? He'd be a (censored) fool to drop you."
"But everything I--"
He waved his hands at me and made a frustrated noise. "STOP THAT! (Censored)it, Ginny, how many times are you gonna do that to yourself?!"
"It's not all his fault."
"No, it's not. It's partly yours for not telling him about this in a normal manner."
Talk about deflating ego. I felt like Ron was against me when he said that. But it makes sense now.
"Geez," he went on, "you emotional women--gah!"
"So you don't think I'm messed up?"
"Baby," he answered gently, "I've seen some of the (crap) you've been going through and how it's gotten to you. Of course you're gonna be messed up. But," he added quickly, so as not to sound mean, "that just means you gotta figure out how to handle yourself. I can't tell you that."
"Yeah."
"Next time something upsets you, say so."
"But I'll upset people."
He looked at me with a well DUH look. "You said you're doing that already, so do it the right way."
"Yeah..."
The conversation drifted to small talk about my double shift, and I wandered off to lunch, my mind full.

What a day. Seriously.

Other Stuff
I stole first place in the contest again!
Chad got married today.
My customers nicknamed me Angel. Makes me feel pretty.
I've got good stuff going for me. I just need to remember that.

Missing Person
Another question in me. One for the powers that be
It's got me thrown and so I put on my poker face
And try to figure it out. This undeniable doubt
A common occurrence. Feeling so out of place
Guarded and cynical now, can't help but wondering how
My heart evolved into a rock beating inside of me
So I reel such a stoic ordeal where's that feeling that I don't feel?

There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain
And like a child he would believe without a reason
Without a trace, he disappeared into the void and
I've been searchin' for that missing person

Under a lavender moon, so many thoughts consume me.
Who dimmed that glowing light that once burned so bright in me?
Is this a radical phase a problematical age
That keeps me running from all that I used to be?
Is there a way to return, is there a way to unlearn,
That carnal knowledge that's chipping away at my soul?
I've been gone too long will I ever find my way home?

There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain
And like a child he would believe without a reason
Without a trace, he disappeared into the void and
I've been searchin' for that missing person
He used to want to try to walk the strait and narrow
He had a fire and he could feel it in the marrow
It's been a long time and I haven't seen him lately but
I've been searchin' for that missing person
For that missing person For that missing person (~Michael W. Smith)

Last night terrified me, badly. I do not like who I am becoming again. I don't want to do this, and yet I still do. If you think this is how I've always been, you're sadly mistaken. I miss who I used to be, badly--that happy, sweet, innocent, and probably naive girl.

If you had any idea how close to God I've been clinging...

But therein is the problem. I've GOT God--don't tell me I don't--but when it comes to interacting with people...

Last night, I discovered what's making me ache and hurt. I'm not close to anyone. Any attempts lately keep ending in disaster. Online, anyway. But maybe God is trying to tell me something that I'm still not hearing.

Yesterday at work was great. In fact, all week at work has been great. Lots of family time together when I got home yesterday. Then I get on the Net, and *pfoom* I turn into some sort of monster.

Why?

I think I'm trying to look for something that isn't there, or I'm looking in the wrong place.

Maybe I'm just out of control and need to be sent to a pysch ward. And this time I'm not kidding.

Because last night, I was trying to think which knife was sharpest in the kitchen. Seriously. I didn't have any thoughts like that until I attempted my failure at opening up again.

And there we go, acting like my mom.

I sat down this morning with God, and He told me that things need to change. I need to start doing more with my free time, someting different with my social life, or I was going to lose it (as in no longer having it available to me).

I should remember the advice I've always told people--you can rely on others to get you up again, but it's up to you to stay up.

I know cutting the Net out completely is not the answer, nor is staying on the amount I've been staying on. Time needs to be reduced, and I need to fill the rest of that time with something else. No more staying up past midnight.

*shrugs* Maybe I was meant to be a loner in this life. Who knows? I've still got my God, so, at the moment, that is enough for me.

What in HADES is going on?!?
I'm happier at work than I've ever been. Well, the tips could be better >.< and I could be a little less spazzy when it comes to those major orders, but, heh, at least I feel better about myself at work.

I came home, stared at Sara's unopened letter that showed up today, and carried it with me to the GameCube. It just sorta rested on my knee for about an hour, waiting to be opened. I guess I'm afraid when I open it, it'll, I dunno...
Shaun says I should get used to the idea that there's an age gap between her and me and that I should get used to the fact that I can't...I dunno...identify with her anymore. My very first best friend was a girl named Sara Kennedy with brown hair and eyes. I remember she moved to Midland, Tx, after two years of knowing her, and we tried to keep writing letters to each other, but it faded out.
Sara was my first close friend online and you can't just drop or get over something like that very easily.
Meanwhile, Flora carries on about how age doesn't matter.
Bweh.
And I still feel like I'm mentally eight years old. Like I don't fit in. Like I don't really matter to anyone. It's just...it's incredibly depressing. I need someone here, someone tangible. Someone that is NOT my mom.

All my life I swore I wouldn't be like her. And I redoubled that promise when she attempted suicide. What scares me is that, the more and more I notice, the more and more I'm like her. And the way I keep acting, I keep getting drawn into the vortex she was sucked in.
I used to love to go on outings with Mom. We'd talk about anything and everything (almost). Lately, all topics are about how love is a farce, how great my uncle was, and a bunch of self confidence boosting for her ("I did this and this and this, so that makes me special, right?"). She has this habit I know too well (because I have it) that if I say or do something that isn't within her mindframe, such as saying something she disagrees with or something that might ever so slightly tell her she is wrong, she throws a fit and becomes VERY disagreeable to be around, Ron strength.
And I look at love, and become paranoid. Is everyone just doing stuff until I go away, so they can get back to whatever it was before I got there?
I want to scream at Mom and shake her, frothing about her not knowing what my "wonderful" uncle did to me.
And we can't focus on me, oh no. It either dies immediately or it ends up being about Mom in the long run.

Which might explain why I have such low self confidence. But I seem to be used to it--I grew up like this.

I feel happy and special around God. He cares. I know that for sure. But I let myself slip from Him when I get into my problem areas.

But why must I be paranoid about EVERYONE I care about? Why do I keep thinking that no one really wants me around, or that they have to change just for me? I feel incredibly left out just about everywhere I go now, and I'm so desperately tired of it.

I thought for sure that Mom's attempt would knock me back into the prime of life again, the happiness I felt not more than a year ago. And it worked. It still does--in some areas.

...I don't want to cry myself to sleep anymore. I'm too old for that. I'm too tired for that.

I just...I don't know what I want anymore.

Problem...solution?
I find when my buddies and I hang out, and they are in REALLY goofy moods, I tend to...I dunno, calm up or get real quiet, in fear of doing something stupid and being made fun of. I don't mind laughing at people good naturedly, but I hate to see anyone uncomfortable, especially myself.

I've mostly noticed this around Ron and the other servers at my store. They get a real good joke and laugh fest going, and all I can seem to do is stand around, smiling with embarrassment or chuckling quietly. But now it seems to be filtering home.

And the worst part is, when I try to tell people this, they immediately comfort me cause they feel sorry for me, and I wish they wouldn't do that. That results in them not playing around any more around me because they don't want me to be uncomfortable, I guess. But...that makes me feel left out, and like a wet blanket, besides.

Pffft...this sucks.

Classic OBBII Moments
MiniGinny stands atop Ginny's head and waves at the intercom.
What! Big Brother snaps.
"Hewwo, Mista Tawking House, are you weawwy the Devil Incawnate?"
Frokking straight.
"Weawwy?"
Yes.
"Weawwy weawwy?"
Yes, and if you don't shut up, I'm gonna tear your insides out and feed 'em to ya!
"COOW!" MiniGinny sings out.
"Uh, MiniMe (duh, that was obvious -_-), that's a bad thing," Ginny tells her plushie self.
"People just don't read signs around here, either, do they?" QA gripes. "Don't feed the plushies!"
"Aw, me woves Mista Devil Incawnate..." MiniGinny chirps, hugging one of the corners of the house.
"Oh boy, that is one seriously messed up plushie," Faris giggles.

"So iwony is wike saying one thing and meaning anovver," MiniGinny tells the Shaun and Auron plushies (which aren't moving, by the way, for BigBrother has decided to keep any nonplayer plushie lifeless, fearing another plushie massacre).
"Liiiike?" Ginny asks.
"Wike this: 'I don't smoke, dwink, OR swear...now hold my beew while I wook for my damned wighter!'"
"Queen!" Ginny shrieks, "this thing can't be me, it doesn't act anything LIKE me!"
"Hey, cute and sexy," MiniGinny giggles at the Shaun and Auron plushies, "wanna thweesome?"
"Look, evil little MiniMe, they aren't alive."
"Oh Mista WOSEY!"
Good sweet Mike, WHAT! the intercom yells.
"Can I pwease have a wittle fun?"
"No, don't--she's making me look bad!" Ginny wails.
You know, I'm torn between making you miserable, and making your plushie miserable. Decisions, decisions...

Rondo!
...is back in favor again. I KNEW he didn't do it! ^__^ (The whole discount mess.)

Anyways, there was a lot of happy goofiness going on at work today, and I can't remember half of it. I remember Ron teasing me about "my" version of swear words.
"Oh please," he remarked, "the worst you say is 'oh poopie'."
That in itself was funny, to hear him say that word. But I've dropped a few common bad ones in my time.

There was the anger management joke. And for some reason, I jokingly called someone a loser, and Ron went off on that for about three minutes straight. oO;
"But see, Ginny called you a loser, so THERE. How's that song go...thumb and a something on the forehead?"
Yeah, stuff like that. He's such a weirdo.

And man, was he EVER today. Maybe it had to do with the fact that it was an all girl staff today. Oo;;;; He's quite the (shudder) ladies man--how, I'll never know.

That reminds me--one of the cooks teased Ron, saying he was going to marry me. Naturally, this elicted a VERY high pitched, "WHAT??!" from me, and a glare from Ron for busting his ear drums.
"Ginny I can handle," Ron told the cook. "I slap a piece a tape over her mouth and send her home."
Major glare from me. "That does it--I'm going back to my ToGo station..." *stomp stomp stomp*
I had to come back a minute later.
"Ah, back for more?" Ron smirked.
I groaned. "I guess I'm a glutton for punishment."

We've also decided Ron doesn't have friends--he has peons and minions. Joy. Which one am I? oO;

By far, the most interesting part was when I asked Ron how soon in advance I need to put in my request for a two week vacation.
"You don't get a two week vacation."
Glare. "Fine, one week."
"When is it?"
"Prolly June."
"Where you going?"
(Nosy, aren't we?) "Planning to go see my boyfriend Shaun up in Ohio for a bit."
There was this incredible half second where he looked startled, and so incredibly old and care worn. It instantly made me think of my dad back home, and I just wanted to hug Ron and say, "It's ok, Daddy. I'm growing up--I'm not a little girl anymore."
He recovered fast. "Oh, that should be nice. We'll miss you while you're gone, you know."
"Yeah..."

That led to the loser bit already chronicled, which led to Ron saying, "Ginny called you a loser! Out of the mouths of babes!"
I glared AGAIN. "What, you're calling me the baby of the group?!?" (Keep in mind, I sorta am, but that's besides the point.)
He just looked at me. "Get out of here and go home, darlin'. You're screwing with my labor cost." Grin.

Silly Ron.

To Shaun
Ron sends a message: He's eager to meet ya.
Also, he threatens the Wrath of Rhan if ...well....heh, if you hurt me....(?!?)
Frankly, I don't think that is possible, but I've got this list of other people saying the same thing (what is the DEAL?! I've only said good things about you to other people!).
'Sides, if you hurt me, I get first dibs. ^_~

But like I said, I know you won't. You can't. And that's why I love ya. *hugs Shaun*

You know, any day Blogger wants to update....*mutters darkly*

Stupid Blogger not posting.

Blogging
Not much to talk about, really. It seems like have the people I cared about when I started blogging o so long ago have dwindled to half their number. But then, certain people seem to have outgrown me or done other things to...so...yeah, moving onward in life. It hurts, but that's life.
That's part of the reason I don't keep links on this site. This is all me right here. Not half as blunt as I'd like to be (I'd be naming names if I were braver (and stupider, I guess)) nor a quarter as loud. Or honest about the really deep stuff. Links just distract.

I guess I'm sick of all this P.C. crap I've been fed lately. I bend over backward to respect others, and most of the time, all I get in return is being ridiculed for my own beliefs. So how is that fair? It's NOT.
People make unfair assumptions about me. People generalize me because I belong to a certain group. People even avoid me for who I am. How is that any different from being racist against other groups?
Really now--hypocrite, know thyself.

*is really fed up*
*majorly big time*