Black
Your heart is black. You don't let people in, you don't want to let people in, in fact you may hate all humans. Your heart is dead and you know what?! Either you or someone who was close to you killed it...and you really don't give a (flip) either way.

What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

O_o; Remind me to take that quiz again in a month. Betcha I'd get a different result. Cheerful one I have now, eh? Jeepers creepers, I'm not THAT bad! At least, not IRL...

I should be sleeping right now.

A Fond Farewell


(I posted this at OB as well.
Miss you, Rondo. Hope you're having fun stressing wherever you are now.)

And on AIM...
I find I'm open to some people--and having trouble talking to others.
I want to shove aside my feelings and say what some of these people need to hear so desperately right now, but I'm still a hurting human, so what does one do?
Beh, I could've made better choices. And not doing anything is just as bad as doing the wrong thing.
Again, beh.

I guess that's why I tried to take a break today from my online peeps. Made it till 11pm. Then broke down and got on. Lousy addiction. But just like other addictions, the longer you keep doing something, the more you need to get that same excitement you got the first time around.

Disclaimer
Does this really need to be said? If you have any questions, concerns, comments about anything spoken about in this blog, then either contact me or *editted for rudeness*. I am sick and tired of people making the wrong assumptions over a 5 minute rant in an online blog.

Meanwhile, I feel that rant coming on again, so I'm stopping right now.

Today
OK, so there's been a misunderstanding at work. I'm not a trainer yet, and if things keep going the way the pit of my stomach says, then I won't be.
There was a lot of hint dropping going on, mostly of the, "If we don't pick you don't take it personally" bit. And if I lose this out to Amada (which seems VERY likely), I shall be sore indeed. For a little while, anyway. Gimme three minutes to sniffle in the bathroom and I'll get over it. Being a trainer probably sucks, anyway.

Ah, yes, justification and rationalization. Bleh heh.

At least I got an A+ on my final, so that leaves me with an A overall. Not bad.

If only friendships were that easy. I'm losing certain people. But I'm also gaining, so there's something to be said.

I really really really miss Ron a lot.

Mweepa...

Nightmare
I already shared this with Sara and Mitch seemed to pick up on it somehow, though I didn't tell him.

Last night, I dreamed I met Shaun in person. Excited. Ecstatic. Beyond happy. We were together and that was all that mattered. (I think my brain forgot that I'm single now.) Anyways, next thing I know, Shaun walks away, voicing how he didn't want me around (ouch, looks like my brain didn't forget) and I just collapse. Phoomp. Fall flat like cardboard.
I look around for someone to talk to, then look back to Shaun, as if asking him to change his mind. But Shaun's Ron now. I walk to him, need comfort, want comfort, you're back Ron!, and he glares at me. I feel this essence of being worthless to him and he, too, walks away.
I look around, and I see lots of people watching me. Oh heavens, people were watching all this, watching me. And I walk to them, for comfort, but everyone walks away from me. No one left.
There was no one left.

I was pretty sure I was over everything that happened last week, but that just went and retore a hole in my heart.

It felt good to tell Sara. And I've got an entire chat I saved from Mitch that makes a lot of sense--I'm keeping that with me. In fact, take a look at part of it (editted for certain reasons). It's worth reading all of it, regardless of how long it is:

Cruxed Chimera: And lately, I've just been sick of everything I gues.
Cruxed Chimera: *guess
Cruxed Chimera: (please evil typos..geh)
draKehho: funny...Des has sounded the same way
draKehho: sick and tired of everything in general
draKehho: I was like that earlier this year
draKehho: I'd blame senioritis, but...*shrugs*
Cruxed Chimera: I'm mainly trying to understand what the purpose of life to me is anymore.
Cruxed Chimera: It seems pointless.
Cruxed Chimera: Like I'm just going to live
Cruxed Chimera: Possibly touch people
Cruxed Chimera: But they will die too
Cruxed Chimera: And stuff like that.
draKehho: that's the funny thing...the world so rarely remembers us
draKehho: and seeing as how the highest up write history, only the memories of the highest up are retained
draKehho: which is why everyone strives to be rich and famous
draKehho: to be remembered, if only for a little while longer than the person next to them
draKehho: you'll forgive the religious stint, but I'm not worried about this world, really
draKehho: people are going to forget what I do
draKehho: even give the credit elsewhere
draKehho: but I am faulty enough to do the same
draKehho: and everywhere, everyone feels the same way, believe me.
draKehho: it's a matter of wanting to matter
draKehho: to someone, anyone
draKehho: been there and done that.
draKehho: got the heartache to prove it
Cruxed Chimera: Mm. Well, I don't really care about mattering to someone. More or less, I'm trying to understand what's the point of living. Why am I here. Stuff along there.
draKehho: for me, I guess, it's about mattering to someone
draKehho: *shrugs lightheartedly*
Cruxed Chimera: I already know I matter to someone.
Cruxed Chimera: You should know that too
draKehho: that's true.
Cruxed Chimera: You matter to me although I don't even know you
draKehho: as do you
Cruxed Chimera: Your parents matter to you and they matter to you back
Cruxed Chimera: And so on.
Cruxed Chimera: God matters to you
Cruxed Chimera: He matters back, too, I gues.
Cruxed Chimera: *guess
draKehho: it's that one phrase, "You may be one person to the world, but to one person you are the world."
Cruxed Chimera: Yes.
draKehho: I guess...well, it's not a matter of mattering to everyone, just wanting to matter to someone that feels the exact same
way back...
...
Cruxed Chimera: Eventually, you'll see that it's made you a stronger person.
....
draKehho: I have a select group that matter muchly to me
Cruxed Chimera: It's somewhere
Cruxed Chimera: Maybe in your own rational thoughts
draKehho: meh, after what happened, I just...not that much happened, but there was too much toying with emotions goingon
Cruxed Chimera: Maybe just somewhere else
Cruxed Chimera: Then you need to let those toyed emotions come out, or something. Or perhaps tell him how you feel, or tell someone or something.
Cruxed Chimera: *shrug*
Cruxed Chimera: I don't know. Not much I can say
draKehho: I wrestled for the better part of the week about this
....
draKehho: *rubs forehead*
draKehho: again, bleh
Cruxed Chimera: Hm?
Cruxed Chimera: Sorry. If you don't want to go here, just say.
draKehho: there's just been too much toying with emotion
draKehho: it's not that I don't want to go there..it's just...I don't have anything sorted out in my mind like I had hoped
draKehho: I thought if a set number of days passed, I'd have an answer, or a semblance of one
Cruxed Chimera: Maybe there isn't an answer.
Cruxed Chimera: Who knows.
draKehho: and see, that's not easy for me
Cruxed Chimera: Not everything has an answer.
draKehho: I gotta have something to look at, to blame
draKehho: I'm an artist, frell it. Gotta, just gotta...
....
draKehho: It's that mattering to one person in a way that you can't matter to anyone else...that's what I search for, I guess.
Cruxed Chimera: Well, you have your whole life ahead of you.
Cruxed Chimera: That's the way I see it for myself.
....
draKehho: true, true
draKehho: experience
Cruxed Chimera: Maybe you feel that you've gained nothing from this.
Cruxed Chimera: Maybe that's it,
....
draKehho: Maybe I feel I gained something, but not what I wanted
Cruxed Chimera: And you can't think that way.
Cruxed Chimera: If you always got what you wanted.
Cruxed Chimera: And always had things the way you wanted
Cruxed Chimera: Then that wouldn't be life.
draKehho: heh, true
draKehho: that would be like an RPG that one uses a GameShark on
Cruxed Chimera: Yes.
draKehho: as Lloyd Alexander once said,
draKehho: "Sometimes the seeking is more important than the finding."
Cruxed Chimera: Plus, going through life like that..it's just not as good. You don't learn as much. It's like a spoiled rich kid.
Cruxed Chimera: I'm sure you've seen one.
Cruxed Chimera: Somewhere.
Cruxed Chimera: It's like that.
Cruxed Chimera: He's given everything
Cruxed Chimera: And he learns nothing from it.
Cruxed Chimera: He's just given.
draKehho: which is why parents should let kids fall
draKehho: all this struggle in the gov'n to keep all the bad stuff away
Cruxed Chimera: That's what God says. It's good to give, and it's good to be like that.
draKehho: and sometimes the best you can do is be cruel to be kind
....
Cruxed Chimera: If you were
Cruxed Chimera: to always look at the cracks
Cruxed Chimera: Then it's just backtracking and it's just degressing.
Cruxed Chimera: That's what I've been doing.
Cruxed Chimera: I hate it, but I do it.
draKehho: looking backwards keeps you from seeing the rock you about to trip over in front of you
Cruxed Chimera: Yes.
Cruxed Chimera: Eh. Anyways, I have 7 or so minutes.
Cruxed Chimera: Thus ends Mitch's sermon.
Cruxed Chimera: Heh.
draKehho: mmm...that was actually thought provoking. ^______^
draKehho: thankies, my dear Mitch
Cruxed Chimera: Yes. And I don't make you feel intelligent. You just are.
Cruxed Chimera: Even if it's not like my intelligence.
draKehho: it helps to be in good company, that's what it is
Cruxed Chimera: Like I've said.
Cruxed Chimera: Everyone is smart.
Cruxed Chimera: And you can do what you want--become an artist--if you apply yourself enough. It's hard. Dead hard. But people have done it before, and
so can Ginny.
Cruxed Chimera: Thanks for the conversation.
draKehho: my pleasure. Always.
draKehho: and keep in mind that which you preach can be applied to yourself
Cruxed Chimera: See? I'm not quiet when I get going on something.
draKehho: *soft smile*
draKehho: true, true. *grins happily*
draKehho: *saves convo for sure*
Cruxed Chimera: *same*
draKehho: learning not to be so hard on myself...mmm...
Cruxed Chimera: See what I mean?
Cruxed Chimera: This is how you're hard on yourself.
draKehho: I do hope that this serves some purpose for your life
Cruxed Chimera: I do it too.
Cruxed Chimera: Touching peopel does serve a purpose, yes.
draKehho: even if a falling star lasts for only a moment, it still shines brightly
Cruxed Chimera: Now you know what we mean by you're hard on yourself.
draKehho: and the image lasts forever in the mind's eye of the one that saw the shine
draKehho: I...sorta do...
Cruxed Chimera: ..... We all make thing bigger than they are.
Cruxed Chimera: It hurts now.
Cruxed Chimera: But you'll get over it, I hope.
draKehho: *nods*
draKehho: hidden scar.
draKehho: Tiny scar.
draKehho: meh, still scar nonetheless, but that's how one learns
...
draKehho: the worst part about the scab was, when it was still healing, I kept doing stuff that knocked it open agian
draKehho: bweh, blogs are funny things
Cruxed Chimera: It's human tendency. I do it too.
Cruxed Chimera: Yes..
draKehho: I need to put a disclaimer on it
Cruxed Chimera: I'll post when I'm in one mood.
Cruxed Chimera: And then suddenly.
Cruxed Chimera: Poof.
Cruxed Chimera: I'm not that way anymore.
draKehho: "Opinion varies 5 minutes after posting. Email for most recent developments."
Cruxed Chimera: lol
draKehho: indeed, indeed ^^
Cruxed Chimera: I know exactly what you're saying.
draKehho: people take the blog far too seriously and don't bother to communicate
Cruxed Chimera: I post mostly in my blog when I'm in a bad mood.
Cruxed Chimera: Yeah,.
Cruxed Chimera: But .... had to have been in the back of Ginny's mind.
Cruxed Chimera: I know that much.
draKehho: I noticed I rarely post when I'm in a good mood anymore
draKehho: it's like my blog is a place to blow off steam and vent
Cruxed Chimera: Exactly what I use it for.
...
Cruxed Chimera: Exactly why you draw and do art, I ope.
Cruxed Chimera: *hope
draKehho: yesh
Cruxed Chimera: That's why I write.
draKehho: though mostly, it is characters
draKehho: my characters express the emotion I feel
Cruxed Chimera: Yes.
draKehho: anger, grief, or goofiness
draKehho: it's all there
draKehho: it's all human
Cruxed Chimera: You're a great person. Time goes. I'll see you.
draKehho: Bye Mitch. You are a great person yourself
draKehho: do not forget that
Cruxed Chimera: I try not to.
Cruxed Chimera signed off at 6:06:59 PM.

How dumb are you?

Do I sense sarcasm?






Which X-Man are you? By EmReznor.

Um, yay? I'm a vulnerable mentor. Oo;

Take the What Color Dragon Should You Ride? Quiz

Made By: myway and teza



This is good, right? Golden Chocobos in FF are good, so this is good too. Ooooo.

You are Rouge, the goth southern belle. You are sarcastic, grouchy, and a complete loner, but on the inside, you really want to be closer to people. Actually, you want to have someone who you can trust and returns your love. Your appearance shows your individuality and your feelings. Try to let more people into your life, and learn to trust them a bit more..

Which X-Men character Are You?

Pfft. So that sounds just like me. So? :p


You are Gaia, the Earth mother.


Goddess Quiz
brought to you by Quizilla

Again with the nurturing leader role. Who ARE these people?


You are Wolverine!

A loner by nature, you feel uncomfortable when
around those you don't know and even those you
do. You are awkward when it comes to
relationships, but fiercely loyal to those you
love.


Which X-Men character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

Um, didn't see that one coming. O_o;

Ever wish...
...for something really really hard, yet your heart sits heavy in your chest because you know you aren't gonna get it? Yeah. *stares out the window with Rondo plushie*

I should be in bed right now
Just thought I'd point that out.

Shannon
He's actually been really nice to me ever since Ron's left. Today, he was wearing glasses, and, I swear, he looked like a blonde Clark Kent. I told him so, and this seemed to please him greatly. He told me how he's this big Superman fan, with lots of stuff.
"So," I said, grinning, "you're just waiting for the day when you can--" I pantomime this next part. "--rip your shirt open and run out the door!"
I thought he was gonna die laughing.

See, that's the nifty thing about being a trainer. The last few days, people have actually been listening to me and respecting my opinion. Or maybe they always have, and I'm just now seeing it. Oo

Final note
Some of you may remember last year, when my uncle passed away. And how I broke away from my old congregation, because I felt that they did not show any kind of sympathy toward my grief; left me rather in the dark. After all I had done for the church, I thought they'd do something, but nope. Made me bitter. I left, and I haven't gone back.
Like I told Des tonight in AIM, it was me focusing my unidentified feelings into a tangible, viewable source, until I could sort out what was wrong. I learned that my feelings were a feeling of betrayal, that no matter how many good things you do in life, it won't protect you from the bad. I had to learn that like everyone else.

I seem to be having a similar problem here online now. Last week, I lost a dear friend, and while it may not be a death in this instance, I'm still hurting really badly. Being the expert that I am at hiding feelings or finding some poor tangible, viewing source to vent, I can suspect lots of people getting upset over reading this blog. I say make no assumptions here. If you have a question about what's going on in my mind, frelling confront me instead of slinking around behind my back or just staring at me from the shadows.

My mind's telling me I should move on again because no one was around to comfort me when I needed it most last week. My heart's a weenie of a waffler.

I just want back what I lost, but life isn't fair. Such is my luck.

Twisted and confused
How can one feel like they mean a lot to one person, and at the same time, be nothing to another person? I thought the second person and I could be close, but...well, there is still evidence that I'm always gonna be on the back burner. If I say any more, I'm gonna blow this whole thing wide open and cause lots of probs.
*looks back at scabs analogy and sighs heavily*

Did I help?
Did I, Des? Well, really, it's not a matter of make me feel better about myself, but of you feeling better. I always pray for you, and for all of you, really. And each time each of you tells me the same, it motivates me to pray all the more.

Too hard
A lot of you have been saying I'm too hard on myself. What the frell is that all about? If I am, I can't seem to see it.

*sobs softly*
...miss you...*hugs her Rondomon plushie*

Another Analogy
I loved you more than anything. I would do anything for you, and I did. I went to ends that defied imagination, just so you could be happy. Hopefully, happy with me.
And at first, when you learned of my love, you reacted in the same manner. You told everyone, and were too full of joy to see the puzzled looks, the angry mutters of "it can never be".
But then, as this love became commonplace to you, you let it collect dust. Love became a backdrop, and you stacked stuff on top of it. If you got around to it, you would talk to me. Not at all like that passionate "seek you out" I remember. It only grew worse as your friends muttered loudly, as they shot dirtier looks. Because they were closer to you, you listened to them and tuned me out. Just because I was far away.
And you forgot my love.

This is not Ginny writing about her tragic "relationships". This is about Ginny understanding what God feels when people reject Him. How painfully clear and obvious it is.

And in Other News...
I got a new AIM s/n because I like my new one a lot better than my old one. However, I am not handing it out, simply for the fact that...well, I just don't want to. But it's in plain sight for all to see, all the OBers, that is. Kudos to all of you that found it already. (And yes, I'm choosing to be inactive because I feel like it. So bleh.)

Love...
...pfft. Apparentally, I'm not allowed to love anyone, on a human level. At least, not in an intimate manner. That's just fine...well, no, no, it's not. But when I see the person that indirectly caused me to toss my self-confidence out the window act like nothing happened, it just hurts. And I could elaborate on this, but I'll regret my words.

My self-confidence has shot back through the roof again, because I gained it on my own, thank you very much. But I just can't seem to trust anyone anymore. The time I needed people the most is the time they ran from me, were taken from me, or walked away from me. So looks like it's just back to me and God vs. the world in general again. Sure, I can be friendly, but, to quote Buttercup in The Princess Bride, the walls around my heart are very high now.

You can quit shoveling bull now--you know exactly who I'm talking about. (And some of you are mistaking yourself, so stoppit. I need to quit making general comments. ^^;)
And for those of you who've been helping me out, letting me feel intelligent lately the last few days, thank you.